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The Beatles Anthology

Pleasure at Her Majesty's

'Rameau's Nephew' by Diderot (Thanx to Dennis Young) by Wilma Schoen (1974)

The Secret Policeman's Biggest Ball


            Elliot Richards (Brendan Fraser) is a geeky and overeager man working a dead-end job in a San Francisco call-center. He has no friends and his co-workers who manipulate him, know he will do anything for acceptance. He has a crush on his colleague, Alison Gardner (Frances O'Connor), but lacks the courage to ask her out. After Elliot is ditched at a bar while trying to talk to Alison, he says that he would give anything for Alison to be with him. Satan (Elizabeth Hurley), in the form of a beautiful woman, offers to give Elliot seven wishes in return for his soul.As a test, he wishes for a Big Mac and Coke. Satan takes him to McDonalds and places the order. Elliot has to pay for it, because, "there ain't no such thing as a free lunch." After taking Elliot to her nightclub in Oakland, Satan convinces Elliot to sign her contract, and delivers further wishes.Elliot wishes to be rich and powerful, with Alison as his wife. Satan makes him a Colombian drug lord whose wife despises him. Satan points out that he never wished for Alison to love him.Secondly, Elliot wishes to be emotionally sensitive, but Satan makes him so sensitive he spends much of his time crying over how beautiful the world is, and constantly asks Alison whether he has hurt her. Alison says she wants to be with a man who is strong and shallow, and leaves Elliot for a man who is strong, rude and completely different from the romantic and emotionally sensitive Elliot.Elliot then wishes to be a superstar athlete who would be a woman magnet. Satan makes him a seven-foot-plus tall basketball star, but also gives him a small penis and equally low IQ, which causes Alison to lose interest in him.He then wishes to be intelligent, witty and well-endowed. Satan grants this by making him a famous writer whom Alison falls in love with. When they arrive at Elliot's home to make love it is revealed that Elliot is gay and living with a male partner.Lastly, Elliot wishes to be President of the United States to try to improve the world. Satan makes him Abraham Lincoln at Ford's Theatre on the night of his assassination.After each wish is renounced, Elliot meets with Satan and she blames him for not being specific enough. Eventually he returns to work, thinking about what he should do with the last two wishes. Satan appears, pointing out that on their first meeting he asked for a Big Mac and Coke, although she had stated that it was a test wish. Elliot loses his patience and storms out of his office.Elliot visits a church looking for God's help, where he briefly confesses to a priest who seems sympathetic. However, after being asked whether he thinks asking Satan for a Big Mac and Coke counts as a wish, the priest has Elliot arrested. The sergeant books him, and Satan, dressed as a police officer, throws him in a cell, telling him that she does like him, and it would not hurt to have her as a friend. Elliot's cellmate, (Gabriel Casseus) tells him that he cannot possibly sell his soul as it belongs to God, and although Satan may try to confuse him, in the end he will realise who he truly is, and what his purpose is. Elliot questions the man as to his identity, but the response is simply "a really good friend".Elliot asks Satan to cancel their contract. When Satan refuses, Elliot states he will not use his final wish. Satan teleports them to Hell, where she transforms first into a black horned monster, then into a giant. When Satan pushes him to make a final wish, Elliot wishes that Alison could have a happy life. Satan sighs and Elliot falls into the depths of Hell. Elliot wakes up on a marble staircase, wondering if it is Heaven. Satan tells him that it is a courthouse and that a selfless wish voids the contract, so he keeps his soul.Elliot admits that despite her manipulation of him he has come to like Satan and regards her as a friend, something she does not object to. She replies that Heaven and Hell can be found on Earth; it is up to humans to choose. Elliot asks Alison out, only to learn that she is already dating somebody. He continues with his life, but with a better understanding of who he is.Later Elliot is confronted by Bob, one of his co-workers, who makes fun of his attempts to be cool. Elliot loses his temper and grabs Bob by the shirt, but lets go, simply saying "Nice talking to you." A threatening look sends his other coworkers scurrying.At home, he meets a new neighbor, Nicole Delarusso, whose looks and personality resemble Alison's and has dressing styles similar to his. He offers to help her unpack and they begin a relationship. While the two walk along a boulevard, Satan and Elliot's cellmate, both dressed in white, are seen playing chess.
    

Bedazzled


            On a Spanish galleon in the year 1687, aristocrat El Nebuloso (Tommy Chong) and his second-in-command, El Segundo (Cheech Marin), abscond with a treasure chest intended for their king. A band of English pirates, led by the dreaded blonde-haired Yellowbeard (Graham Chapman), descend on the ship and seize the treasure. Although his boatswain, Moon (Peter Boyle), planned the attack, Yellowbeard refuses to share the treasure, and as he slams the chest shut, Moon's left hand is severed.Yellowbeard continues his reign of terror, killing more than 500 men, until a betrayal by Moon leads to his 20-year prison sentence for tax evasion in England. Despite years of rehabilitation and torture, Yellowbeard refuses to divulge the location of the treasure.In a jump-forward to 1707, during the final week of his incarceration, Yellowbeard is informed by his wife, Betty (Madeline Kahn), that they have a teenage son named Dan (Martin Hewitt). The pirate is horrified to learn that the boy was raised by Lord Percy Lambourn (Peter Cook) to be an intellectual and a gardener. Dan, however, is fascinated by the idea that his father is the most ruthless pirate of all time.Meanwhile, Commander Clement (Eric Idle) of the Royal Secret Service coerces Queen Anne (Peter Bull) to extend Yellowbeard's sentence an additional 140 years, hoping the pirate will escape and lead authorities to his treasure. As predicted, Yellowbeard breaks out of prison and makes his way to Betty's tavern in search of the treasure map. Betty reveals that she tattooed it onto Dan's head before destroying the original, and directs Yellowbeard to Lambourn Hall, where the boy lives with his mentor.On the advice of informant Harvey "Blind" Pew (John Cleese), Commander Clement follows Yellowbeard into the tavern, but the pirate evades him. Moon's henchman, Gilbert (Marty Feldman), questions Blind Pew about the location of the map, but the informant refuses to assist pirates.Yellowbeard confronts his son at Lambourn Hall, declaring that he needs to remove the boy's head. Dan asks to remain intact and join his father on the treasure hunt. They consult Dr. Ebenezer Gilpin (Michael Hordern), who advises Yellowbeard to pose as a scientist on a voyage of discovery. Gilpin, Dan, and Lord Lambourn sign on as traveling companions. Blind Pew listens outside the office and informs Commander Clement of the group's departure. Moon and Gilbert eliminate Blind Pew by locking him inside a shed full of explosives and detonating them.The next morning, while Yellowbeard wreaks havoc in a brothel, Moon and Gilbert infiltrate a group of sailors and take Dan, Lord Lambourn, and Dr. Gilpin aboard the battleship, Lady Edith. As the ship sets sail, Yellowbeard stows away in the hold, while Captain Hughes lectures the men of their duty in England's war against France. Certain that Yellowbeard is aboard, Moon organizes a mutiny and elects Dan the new captain. Dan places the ship on a course to Madagascar, but during the night, Yellowbeard takes the helm and guides it toward the West Indies.Guided by Yellowbeard's wife, Betty, Commander Clement pursues the Lady Edith. He flies the French flag on his ship to avoid suspicion, and inadvertently attracts cannon fire from the battleship, forcing him to retreat. When the crew of the Lady Edith sights an island, Yellowbeard jumps overboard and swims ashore.Meanwhile, in El Nebuloso's hilltop fortress, an underling named Verdugo demonstrates his latest torture device, designed to break every bone in the human body. To further intimidate victims, it is suspended on a walkway over a pool of acid, to which nothing is impervious except gold and jewels.As the crew arrive on shore, Dr. Gilpin consults the map on Dan's scalp and leads a small party to the other side of the island. El Segundo assumes the landing party is searching for Yellowbeard's treasure and rallies his troops against the invaders, taking Dan prisoner. The boy is placed in the torture device, but refuses to talk.El Nebuloso's daughter, Triola (Stacey Nelkin), begs Dan to lead her father to the treasure, "for the grace and glory of God." When Dan suggests that torture is inconsistent with Christian ideals, Triola explains her father's desire to expedite his victims' entry into heaven. After Dan and Triola declare their love for each other, he promises to find the treasure and return for her, although El Nebuloso may be killed in the process. The avaricious Triola voices her approval.Elsewhere in the castle, El Nebuloso instructs El Segundo to feign resistance as the invaders approach the castle, enabling him to trap their leaders in the torture chamber. Yellowbeard joins Dr. Gilpin and Lord Lambourn as they lead their men into the fortress. Although guards pretend to fall dead at their feet, Yellowbeard proceeds to dispatch all in his path, including El Segundo, who dies a highly dramatic death, and receives a round of applause from his men.Upon entering the torture chamber, Dan's comrades find El Nebuloso threatening the boy with a sword. Yellowbeard swings from a rope and pushes the despot into the acid. Triola enters as Dan is set free, and she is happy to learn that her father is in heaven with all of the people he sent there.Moon leads his band of mutineers into the chamber and a sword fight ensues where Gilbert also falls into the pit of acid. Yellowbeard offers Dan the opportunity to fight Moon, but Triola intervenes and pushes the boatswain into the acid.Returning to the beach, Yellowbeard uses his sword to shave the top of Dan's head, revealing the map. When they unearth the treasure, Dan embraces his father, accidentally stabbing him with a dagger. Yellowbeard is proud of his son for adhering to the family tradition of patricide. Clement confiscates the treasure in the name of Queen Anne, prompting Triola to reject Dan and declare her love for the commander.Later, while Commander Clement considers keeping the treasure for himself, Dan and Yellowbeard burst into his cabin and take control of the ship. Triola has renewed affection for Dan, and Yellowbeard declares, "There's pirating to be done."
    

Peter Cook

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