
            Three Chinese dudes -- Tony [Elton Chong], Martin [Martin Kim], and some unnamed guy -- are
running away when Martin falls down. A hand comes up from the earth and
tries to grab him, but he gets up and keeps running. A sign appears with
drawings of the three dudes, but the text is in Chinese with no
translation provided. My guess was that they were wanted for thievery (it
turns out that they're grave robbers). Meanwhile Fanny [Carrie Lee] and her sister are
cooking while their father and a friend talk about the monster who is
killing girls in the village.Back to the three wanted dudes. They've found a coffin, and they open
it. They search the cadaver's teeth for gold but find none. Tony is left
to rebury the coffin, but he checks it out first and finds a gold
swastika, which he pockets. Cut to Fanny's sister bathing in a bucket. Man
in red (vampire) abducts her, explains that it's her virginity that
brought him here, and then mesmerizes and stabs her with a spear.Martin captures a dog and cooks "dog a l'orange soup" for dinner.
Suddenly, a fourth guy shows up and tries to capture them. My guess is
that he's a bounty hunter, sheriff, or something. Martin and Noname run
away; Tony gets away by jumping in a lake and grabbing on to a turtle that
quickly pulls him to the other side of the lake. Meanwhile, Fanny bathes
the forehead of her father, who is sorrowful over the loss of his
daughter. "Probably the monster got her," he moans.Tony stumbles over a rope while walking through the forest. It leads
to the vampire's house, but the vampire has been alerted by the bells
attached to the rope and is now hiding. The dudes decide to spend the
night in the hut. During the night, the vampire kills Noname via hatchet
to head. Martin and Tony run, but not until after the vampire tries to
mesmerize them, succeeds with Martin but not Tony, and says to himself,
"Nobody can escape my magic powers."While running away, Tony falls into a pit where an old man is tied
up. Turns out that the old man is a Shaolin master and the vampire is --
was -- his student, that is, before the vampire tried to poison the
Master. The vampire wants the Master to teach him Shaolin magic, but
Master refuses. Tony overhears the vampire and Master shouting at each
other. When the vampire leaves, Master attempts to do "eye sorcery" on
Tony, but Tony resists, much to Master's amazement. Tony attempts to get
out of the pit, but he is captured by the bounty hunter who chastizes him
for being a grave robber.Vampire goes to Fanny's restaurant for lunch. He leaves, and Tony and
Martin walk in and ask for a room. That night, Tony wakes up and goes out
for a drink of water. He returns to the bed he is sharing with Martin but
it turns out that it's not Martin in his bed. It's the vampire. The
vampire escapes, Tony wets his pants, and Fanny finds her father's severed
head sitting on another bed.After burying father's head, Tony and Fanny go back to the restaurant
and Martin stays to burn some money for the dead. Martin is attacked and
killed by some masked guy who also tries to get Fanny, but Tony beats him
off with a hoe. That night, as Tony and Fanny sleep, the Vampire casts a
spell on Fanny, causing her to behead a chicken and drink the blood
spurting from its neck. Then she goes after Tony, rips off her clothes,
and orders him to make love to her. Tony resists, and the spell is broken.
The vampire is really pissed and can't figure out how Tony is able to
resist his magic.Tony and Fanny go to talk with the Master in the pit. Tony asks to be
taught Shaolin sorcery. Master points out that the magic swastiki already
gives Tony great power but agrees to take him on as a student, but only if
Tony will do everything Master says. Tony agrees. They help the Master,
who can't get out of his lotus position, to escape the pit. Tony carries
Master on his shoulders to an abandoned hut and is forced to repair it.
[Think "Wax on, Wax off".] When the Vampire finds out that his Master has
escaped, he gets really angry. That night, he sends a bad dream to Fanny,
in which she sees Tony speared with a pitchfork. Then he sends another bad
dream to Tony in which he sees himself being beaten by the masked guy that
killed Martin.Tony has finally had it. He's tired of doing all the Master's work
and getting nothing in return. When he confronts the Master, the Master
admits that he doesn't know kung fu martial arts or Shaolin sorcery.
Master thanks Tony for building his hut and tells him to go off and get
married. But Tony has a plan to get Master to reveal his true colors. He
pins another head on his shoulder and attacks Master, claiming to be a
two-headed warrior. The Master fights back easily without even unwinding
his legs. "The time wasn't right to teach you Shaolin magic," explains
Master.The time is right now that Tony has learned "knowledge with
compassion" and has opened himself to "inner peace" and "the love of the
universe." While Tony goes off to pray, Fanny heats some water for the
Master's bath. She has a vision of the vampire and runs off. As Master
undresses for his bath, the masked guy stabs him. Master falls forward,
and the stranger sees written on the Master's back some Chinese characters
that apparently say:"To master Shaolin sorcery martial arts, you need
a young virgin. On her first orgasm, you slit her
wrists. Then, from her backbone, you make a magic
flute, which you soak in the juice of boiled beech
blossom roots. Boil this magic flute for 100 days,
after which you'll have made the magic love flute.
The magic love flute is the most powerful force in
the universe and will always triumph over evil.
When you have this, you have everything."The masked man cuts off the skin and takes it with him. Then he takes
off his mask and reveals himself to be the vampire. The vampire chokes
Tony until he passes out, then turns to Fanny, ripping off her clothes.
Fanny stabs the vampire's hand and runs out into the yard. The vampire
pursues, steps on a pitchfork, and the tines go right through his head.
The vampire is dead. Fanny crawls over to Tony and is happy to see that
he's still alive. [Original Synopsis by bj_kuehl.]
    

Carrie Lee

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